RAZOR:

AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THERE, I HAD TO TELL AS MANY PEOPLE AS I COULD WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE I’D HAD, PERHAPS AS A MEANS OF CONVINCING MYSELF THAT I’D NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN.  MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS WHEN SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE OUT TOO, I’LL RUN INTO ONE OF THEM IN THE STREET, AND EXCHANGE PLEASANTRIES.  THAT MIGHT BE NICE.  BUT THAT’LL BE IT. 

Barberey, or Fromage de Troyes Champagne, France

Soft, creamy and smooth, resembling Camembert, five to six inches in diameter and 1-1/4 inches thick.  Named from its home town, Barberey, near Troyes, whose name it also bears. Fresh, warm milk is coagulated by rennet in four hours. Uncut curd then goes into a wooden mold with a perforated bottom, to drain three hours, before being finished off in an earthenware mold. The cheeses are salted, dried and ripened three weeks

in a cave. The season is from November to May and when made in summer they are often sold fresh.

NOW I’M LOST IN THE TV.  THEY HAD TV IN THERE, BUT IT’S NOTHING LIKE THE TV OF FREEDOM.  I LOVE THE ADVERTS, AND THE IDEA THAT I COULD GO OUT AND PURCHASE SOME OF THESE AWESOME PRODUCTS.  NOT THAT I HAVE ANY MONEY TO BUY THEM WITH, BUT I WILL HAVE ONE DAY, WHEN I GET BACK ON MY FEET.  I’LL HAVE A JOB AND A SUIT AND CAREER PROSPECTS AND LIFE INSURANCE AND GYM MEMBERSHIP AND SKY. 

I’M SHARING A HOUSE RIGHT NOW WITH SIX OTHER PEOPLE.  SAMANTHA, BARRY, CRAIG, DUNDER, FOXY, AND GOGO.  GOGO’S GIRLFRIEND, PET, STAYS OVER MOST NIGHTS.  THEY ALL SEEM LIKE GOOD PEOPLE.  APART FROM BARRY, HE’S AN ARSEHOLE, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?  I AIN’T GONNA KILL HIM.  

Barboux France

Soft.

Baronet U.S.A.

A natural product, mild and mellow.

Barron France

Soft.

-         Just going out.

-         Alright.

-         You want anything?

-         You buying?

-         I’m buying if you’re paying.

-         I’m not paying. 

-         Seriously.  I’m going the shops.  You want anything from the shops?

-         Socks.

-         What?

-         Socks.  I need … I need a couple of pairs …

-         S’that a joke?

-         No.  Look at these holes. 

-         I’m going the supermarket. 

-         They sell socks in the supermarket.

-         Yeah, but it’s not a normal … it’s not a normal request …

-         I ain’t gonna lie and say I want a pint of milk just to fit in with your perception of normality, you maniac.  I WANT A PAIR OF SOCKS. 

-         No need for a barney.  Alright?  Alright? 

-         Yeah. 

-         ALRIGHT? 

-         Now you’re the one getting worked up. 

-         So, what size are you? 

-         What size what? 

-         Socks.  What size socks? 

-         Do socks come in sizes? 

-         Stands to reason.  Shoes come in sizes.  People have different size feet, so they must have different size socks.  You understand? 

-         I’m size nine shoes.  But sometimes I wear size eight.  My shoes are size nine and my trainers are size eight.  When I went in the shop to buy my trainers, this guy asked me what size I took, so I told him size nine, so he got me size nine, but size nine were a bit too big, so I got size eight.  So, maybe I’m a size eight all along and my shoes are just too big for me. 

-         I’ll see what they got.  You can pay me later.  You’d better pay me.   

-         I’ll have to see what money I got.  How much do socks cost?  

Bassillac see Bleu.

Bath England

Gently made, lightly salted, drained on a straw mat in the historic resort town of Bath. Ripened in two weeks and eaten only when covered with a refined fuzzy mold that's also eminently edible. It is the most delicate of English-speaking cheeses.

Battelmatt Switzerland, St. Gothard Alps, northern Italy, and western Austria

An Emmentaler made small where milk is not plentiful. The "wheel" is only sixteen inches in diameter and four inches high, weighing forty to eighty pounds. The cooking of the curd is done at a little lower temperature than Emmentaler, it ripens more rapidly--in four months --and is somewhat softer, but has the same holes and creamy though sharp, full nutty flavor.

-         Oh yeah, and Barry.  Barry.  BARRY!  

Bauden (see also Koppen) Germany, Austria, Bohemia and Silesia

Semisoft, sour milk, hand type, made in herders' mountain huts in about the same way as Harzkäse, though it is bigger. In two forms, one cup shape (called Koppen), the other a cylinder. Strong and aromatic, whether made with or without caraway.

Bavarian Beer cheese see Bayrischer Bierkäse.

-         What?  I was halfway down the stairs.  What, Razor?  What?  WHAT?

-         Can you get some cheese? 

Bavarian Cream German

Very soft; smooth and creamy. Made in the Bavarian mountains. Especially good with sweet wines and sweet sauces.

Bavarois à la Vanille see Fromage Bavarois.

FEBRUARY WAS THE WORST MONTH FOR ME.  EVERY SINGLE DAY I WAS LIKE A PUPPET BEING OPERATED BY MY OWN HAND.  IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WAS TAKING OVER MY LIFE.  SOMEONE OR SOMETHING HIDEOUS WAS CONTROLLING MY EVERY MOVE.  I SUPPOSE IT’S ONLY NATURAL WHEN YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC.  I’VE TALKED TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT IT, AND THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY THAT I DO.  THE FIRST MONTH IS THE WORST.  I FEEL COMFORTED BY THAT, COMFORTED BY THE Bayonne see Fromage de Bayonne.

Bayrischer Bierkäse Bavaria

Bavarian beer cheese from the Tyrol is made not only to eat with beer, but to dunk in it.

Beads of cheese Tibet

Beads of hard cheese, two inches in diameter, are strung like a necklace of cowrie shells or a rosary, fifty to a hundred on a string. Also see Money Made of Cheese.

Beagues see Tome de Savoie. SOMEHOW IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO REALITY, BACK TO MY OLD LIFE, ONLY NOW I WAS A VISITOR, LIKE AN EX-PUPIL WANDERING AROUD THEIR OLD SCHOOL GROUNDS.  YOU CAN’T JUST SIT BEHIND A DESK WITH ALL THE OTHER KIDS ANYMORE, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT A CHILD ANYMORE, YOU’RE A GROWN-UP, YOU’RE A REAL PERSON Bean Cake, Tao-foo, or Tofu China, Japan, the Orient

Soy bean cheese imported from Shanghai and other oriental ports, and also imitated in every Chinatown around the world. Made from the milk of beans and curdled with its own vegetable rennet.

Beaujolais see Chevretons.

Beaumont, or Tome de Beaumont Savoy, France

A more or less successful imitation of Trappist Tamie, a trade-secret triumph of Savoy. At its best from October to June.

OF COURSE, SAMANTHA WAS THE BIGGEST HELP, AND SHE KNOWS THAT.  SHE PREFERS IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL HER SAM, BUT I LIKE THE SOUND OF HER FULL NAME.  SAM-AN-THA.  I PRONOUNCE EACH SYLLABLE DELIBERATELY.    I CAN TASTE HER NAME. 

I KNOW THIS IS REAL LOVE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH HER, I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HER.  I WANT HER TO WANT ME TOO, BUT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.  I DON’T WANT HER TO THINK I’M DANGEROUS, BRCAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE DANGEROUS ANYMORE.  MAYBE I SHOULD DITCH THE NICKNAME. 

Beaupré de Roybon Dauphiné, France

A winter specialty made from November to April.

Beckenried Switzerland

A good mountain cheese from goat milk.

Beer cheese U.S.A.

While our beer cheese came from Germany and the word is merely a translation of Bierkäse, we use it chiefly for a type of strong Limburger made mostly in Milwaukee. This fine, aromatic cheese is considered by many as the very best to eat while drinking beer. But in Germany Bierkäse is more apt to be dissolved in a glass or

stein of beer, much as we mix malted powder in milk, and drunk with it, rather than eaten.

THE CONTENTS OF MY LIVING ROOM (IT’S NOT REALLY “MY” LIVING ROOM): 

TV

COUPLE OF OLD SOFAS – ONE BROWN, ONE SICKLY ORANGE.  THEY MATCH THE SHIT ‘70S WALLPAPER. 

BOOKSHELVES, STUFFED WITH EVERYTHING APART FROM BOOKS – ASSORTED TOILETERIES, MAKE UP, A POT OF PAINT, A PHOTO IN A FRAME LYING FACE DOWN, SEVERAL ASHTRAYS, CANDLES, MATCHES, LIGHTERS, SELOTAPE, BLUE-TAC, AN OLD NEWSPAPER WITH BITS CUT OUT. 

EMPTY WASTE BIN.  THERE’S RUBBISH ALL OVER THE FLOOR, INCLUDING A HALF-EATEN MICROWAVE HOT DOG THAT’S BEEN THERE FOR DAYS, AND A COFFEE CUP WITH MOULD IN. 

A COFFEE TABLE WITH FOOTPRINTS ON IT.

AN OLD-SKOOL LANDLINE PHONE WITH A DIAL. 

A SALVADOR DALI PRINT (DON’T KNOW WHO PUT THAT THERE) NEXT TO A MASSIVE PICTURE OF ELVIS (BARRY’S A FAN).  

ASSORTED TISSUES, SWEET WRAPPERS, CRISP PACKETS, FAG ENDS, AND A SCATEBOARD. 

Beer-Regis Dorsetshire, England

This sounds like another beer cheese, but it's only a mild Cheddar named after its hometown in Dorsetshire.

ACTUALLY, THERE’S ONE BOOK ON THE SHELF.  IT’S “THE COMPLETE BOOK OF CHEESE” BY ROBERT CARLTON BROWN.  IT MUST BE ONE OF CRAIG’S. 

-         So, where’s Barry? 

-         In the kitchen. 

-         I thought he was out.

-         No, he came back. 

-         Did he bring my socks? 

-         My goodness, Razor, is that fellow your butler now?

-         He wishes.  The boy don’t have the style.  HEY BARRY!  BARRY!

-         You might want to go in there and find him, Razor. 

-         I might. 

-         It’s just a suggestion. 

-         BARRY! 

-         Seriously.  No shouting.  I’ve got a headache. 

-         OK, OK, OK, OK. 

Beist-Cheese Scotland

A curiosity of the old days. "The first milk after a calving, boiled or baked to a thick consistency, the result somewhat resembling new-made cheese, though this is clearly not a true cheese." (MacNeill)

-         You are joking.  You are joking, mate.  Seriously, Barry.  Get up, mate.  It’s not funny.  I can tell that’s not real blood.  Come on, mate.  Seriously.  Barry.  Barry.  BARRY!!!!!!!

Belarno Italy

Hard; goat; creamy dessert cheese.

-         Excuse me, chaps.  What did I tell you about shouting? 

-         I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Craig.  No, really, I’m … oh my God. 

-         What is it? 

-         I don’t mean to shout.  Really, I don’t mean to shout.  Just get an ambulance.  Get an ambulance!  GET AN AMBULANCE! 

Belgian Cooked Belgium

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