SAMANTHA:  

I had the greatest day today.  It was Barry’s funeral. 

Barry doesn’t have any family, and as far as anyone knows, he never had any friends outside these four damp walls.  He didn’t really have any friends in here, either. 

It’s thingy.  It doesn’t feel thingy, but it ought to be thingy.  It’d be thingy if it were someone else.

Social services came round the other day, asking about the arrangements.  The cops have done the autopsy now, and the body’s been released.  They’ve already given us the go-ahead to bury him.  No one who lives here has got any money to speak of, so we got a no-frills budget job, courtesy of the taxpayer.  Cremation, a token religious ceremony, no flowers.  

Craig said there needed to be flowers.  “My word, imagine a funeral with no flowers!” he said.  “Wouldn’t that be ghastly?”    

Craig took over the running of the funeral.  He had the idea that we could all chip in fifty pounds each to send Barry off in some kind of thingumy.  Style.  Everyone agreed, apart from Gogo, who said we should keep our money and fuck the funeral.  Typical him, all over.  We had a vote on it, and everyone else was in favour of Craig.  Gogo wasn’t going to pay up until Pet twisted his arm.  He sulked in his room for two days after that.  Occasionally, we’d hear him and Pet arguing.  I’m not sure I know how long that’s going to last. 

I can’t say I’m disappointed.  It’s the way of the world.  One relationship ends, and another begins.  She can do so much better than that whatsit, anyway. 

SAVE MEAT

REASONS WHY OUR GOVERNMENT HAS ASKED US TO SAVE MEAT WITH PRACTICAL RECIPES FOR MEAT CONSERVATION

As a nation we eat and waste 80 per cent. more meat than we require to maintain health. This statement, recently issued by the United States Food Administration, is appalling when we consider that there is a greater demand for meat in the world to-day than ever before, coupled with a greatly decreased production. The increase in the demand for meat and animal products is due to the stress of the war. Millions of men are on the fighting line doing hard physical labor, and require a larger food allowance than when they were civilians. To meet the demand for meat and to save their grains, our Allies have been compelled to kill upward of thirty-three million head of their stock animals, and they have thus stifled their animal production. This was burning the candle at both ends, and they now face increased demand handicapped by decreased production.

Razor's been keeping a low whatsit since we shared a bed the other night.  He's been up at the crack of dawn every day looking for work. 

I’ve done something I said I wasn’t going to try to do.  I’ve fixed him.  Maybe that’s the only way you can really fix someone – when you’re not trying to.  When you don’t even consider them to be broken. 

America must fill the breach. Not only must we meet the present increased demand, but we must be prepared as the war advances to meet an even greater demand for this most necessary food. The way out of this serious situation is first to reduce meat consumption to the amount really needed and then to learn to use other foods that will supply the food element which is found in meat. This element is called protein, and we depend upon it to build and repair body tissues.

Although most persons believe that protein can only be obtained from meat, it is found in many other foods, such as milk, skim milk, cheese, cottage cheese, poultry, eggs, fish, dried peas, beans, cow peas, lentils and nuts. For instance, pound for pound, salmon, either fresh or canned, equals round steak in protein content; cream cheese contains one-quarter more protein and three times as much fat; peanuts (hulled) one-quarter more protein and three and a half times as much fat; beans (dried) a little more protein and one-fifth as much fat; eggs (one dozen) about the same in protein and one-half more fat. It is our manifest duty to learn how to make the best use of these foods in order to save beef, pork and mutton, to be shipped across the sea. This means that the housekeeper has before her the task of training the family palate to accept new food preparations. Training the family palate is not easy, because bodies that have grown accustomed to certain food combinations find it difficult to get along without them, and rebel at a change. If these habits of diet are suddenly disturbed we may upset digestion, as well as create a feeling of dissatisfaction which is equally harmful to physical well-being. The wise housekeeper will therefore make her changes gradually.

Craig took a week off work to organise it all.  Compassionate thingy.  I told him how sweet it was of him putting all this effort in for Barry's sake, but he just shrugged and said, "I love screwing my boss over.  He's got to give me compassionate leave if I ask for it, especially if my best friend has just died.  That's right - I told him Barry was my best friend.  How awful is that?" 

I’m sure he was just being modest.

He wanted to read something moving during the service.  I said maybe he could read that W.H. Auden poem, “Funeral Blues.”  They read it at my granddad’s funeral.  It’s the one from the funeral scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral. 

Why do I keep saying funeral?  I don’t know why, but I like the word.  I like the sound of it – fun-er-al.  I like the sound of “funeral” more than I like the sound of “wedding”.    

Craig said he couldn’t read the Auden poem.  It didn’t fit Barry’s personality.  He wasn’t anyone’s “North, South, East or West.”  He was just Barry.  What could you say about Barry that was moving or fitting or whatsit? 

Craig went off to his favourite antiquated bookshop to ask for advice, and came back with a book called “Foods That Will Win The War And How To Cook Them” by C. Houston Goudiss and Alberta M. Goudiss. 

“It’s from 1918,” he said.  “A propaganda cookbook – how delightful is that?” 

“What about the funeral poem?” I said. 

“They had plenty of those,” he said, “but I couldn’t find anything suitable.  Maybe I’ll read something from this.”

“I suppose it seems as good a book as any,” I said. 

In reducing meat in the diet of a family that has been used to having meat twice a day, it will be well to start out with meat once a day and keep up this régime for a couple of weeks. Then drop meat for a whole day, supplying in its stead a meat substitute dish that will furnish the same nutriment. After a while you can use meat substitutes at least twice a week without disturbing the family's mental or physical equilibrium. It would be well also to introduce dishes that extend the meat flavor, such as stews combined with dumplings, hominy, or rice; pot pies or short cakes with a dressing of meat and vegetables; meat loaf, souffle or croquettes in which meat is combined with bread crumbs, potato or rice.

The day went perfectly.  Craig wore a sexy black dress, with fishnet tights.  Razor wore his new suit.  He felt self-conscious about it not being black, because Dunder and Gogo were wearing black suits.  He didn’t have a black tie, so Craig spray-painted a white one for him.  That was a nice touch. 

There were eight of us in the church, including the priest.  Nine if you included Barry.  Me, Razor, Pet, Gogo, Dunder, Foxy and Craig were lined up in the front pew like the Usual Suspects.  A thingy kind of family.   

The boys carried the coffin.  It was touching to see Craig and Gogo working together without bickering for a change.

It’s been years since I stepped inside a church.  It’s so peaceful in there.  I like the whiff of the incense.  It smells like Foxy’s room.  Dunder told me sometimes he goes into a church just to sit there, and take it all in.  He doesn’t believe in whatsit, it’s just a place to go sometimes and contemplate.  Maybe I’ll start going on a Sunday morning.  It’d be a hell of a hangover cure. 

We went back to the house for the wake.  Craig and Razor had cleared everything out of the living room, so we could all mingle in there together.  It was like a completely different house.  The walls were all white.  Craig put out some beanbags to sit on.  There was a stereo in the corner and a table by the window with the food on.  Craig had laid out a buffet, with enough drinks to last us for weeks – even with Dunder around.  The food was a real nostalgia trip.  Jelly and ice cream, Dairylee and crackers, cheese and pineapple on a stick.  It was Craig all over. 

Craig’s got one of those multiple CD players with a shuffle on it.  We each put in a CD of our choice, and stuck it on random selection so we’d all get an equal share.  I cheated, I’m afraid to say, and put in two of mine.  I only did it to make up for the fact that Razor doesn’t own any CD’s.  And seen as we’re together now … well not officially … not that he knows it yet …

You can tell a lot about someone from the CD they pick to be played at their housemate’s funeral.  Craig picked Abba.  Gogo picked Iron Maiden.  Pet picked The Pixies.  Foxy picked The Cure.  Dunder picked Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.  I picked my two favourite disco compilations.  Everyone cheered when the stereo blasted out I Will Survive. 

I got chatting to Dunder.  We started talking about murder.   

“Can killing ever be justified?” I asked him. 

“You mean like in wartime?” 

“In any time.” 

"Only in self-defence," he said.  "The only time you can ever justify killing another human being is when you're protecting yourself, or other people.  It's avoidable in any other circumstance."

“What about revenge?” I said.  “If someone has already done something.  Already killed.  Already thingied.  Ruined people’s lives.  Should they be killed then?” 

“Of course not.” 

“Should they be locked up?”

“Maybe, maybe not.  They’ll be punished enough by their own consciences.  What does it matter if they’re punished officially or not?”  

“I totally agree,” I said.  “I’ve been messed around by people in the past.  People have treated me thingumy.  But I’m out of there now.  I’ve got no desire to carry out any “revenge attacks” – that’s just crazy.  They can’t get at me now.” 

“Quite,” he said.  Then he said something slightly odd.  He said, “So you can cross me off your list, then.”

“What?”

“You can cross me off your list.” 

“What list?” 

“Your list of suspects!”  He burst out laughing. 

It was funny, I suppose.  I think I got the joke.  I laughed, anyway. 

Meat eating is largely a matter of flavor. If flavor is supplied, the reduction of meat in the diet can be made with little annoyance. Nutrition can always be supplied in the other dishes that accompany the meal, as a certain proportion of protein is found in almost every food product. The meat that we use to obtain flavor in sauces and gravies need not be large in quantity, nor expensive in cut. The poor or cheap cuts have generally more flavor than the expensive ones, the difference being entirely in texture and tenderness, freedom from gristle and inedible tissue. There are many cereals, such as rice, hominy, cornmeal, samp and many vegetable dishes, especially dried beans of all kinds, that are greatly improved by the addition of meat sauce and when prepared in this way may be served as the main dish of a meal.

Razor spent most of the party talking to Foxy.  They were sitting in the corner together on a couple of beanbags.  I wasn’t jealous, or anything.  It’s not like there’s anything to be jealous about. 

I’ve got a lot of respect for Foxy.  She’s like the ugly duckling who never turned into the swan.  It can’t be easy for her looking so hideous, but she carries it well.  She’s got a certain sophisticated quality.  The whole “gothic” thing helps.

Dunder caught me looking at them, and smiled.  He could tell straight away – he’s so perceptive.  

“Do you think he loves you too?” 

I giggled and hid behind my fringe.  “I don’t know.  I don’t know if I’m thingy enough for him.” 

“Now, now, Samantha, that’s nonsense.  You’re a wonderful woman.” 

“You think so?” 

“I’m sure young Razor thinks so.  Get in there quick, that’s what I say.  Get in there quick before he gets away!” 

I hugged him.  “Thanks, Dunder.  You’re so wise.” 

“Oh, I could teach you a few things, young lady,” he said. 

“I bet you could.” 

“So you’re going to go for it, then?” 

“Of course.”

Dunder seemed extremely pleased.  He grinned like a clown, and went off to his room.

I carried on drinking.   

Dr. Harvey W. Wiley has stated that the meat eating of the future will not be regarded as a necessity so much as it has been in the past, and that meat will be used more as a condimental substance. Europe has for years used meat for flavor rather than for nutriment. It would seem that the time has come for Americans to learn the use of meat for flavor and to utilize more skillfully the protein of other foods.

-         Can I ask you a question, Craig?  Answer me honestly. 

-         What is it?

-         Who paid for the beanbags?  Did it come out of the funeral fund? 

-         They were part of the funeral costs, my friend.

-         “Friend”?  Oh, you think we’re still “friends,” do you?

-         Gogo, I think you may have had a little too much to drink. 

-         Don’t patronise me, you fucking freak.  Taking the moral fucking high ground…

-          Truth be told, there’s one beanbag each.  That way, everyone can keep one when the party’s over.

-         And we’ve all paid for them?  Without being asked if we wanted one?

-          They’re priced at around three pounds each.  Can I offer you a refund?  

-         Did I ask for a beanbag? 

-         I just thought it might be nice…

-         ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION YOU PIECE OF SHIT!  DID I ASK FOR A BEANBAG? 

-         OK.  Don’t raise your voice. 

-         ANSWER THE QUESTION.

-         No, you didn’t ask for a beanbag.  Is that so awful?  It’s a present.

-         Oh!  It’s a present!  Thank you your majesty!  So thoughtful of you to buy your subjects a fucking present!  I’m fed up of it, Craig.  I’m fed up of living under your fucking rules.  We didn’t ask for any of this, but you did it anyway!

-         Gogo, we took a democratic vote.

-         BUT IT’S A RIGGED ELECTION, CRAIG!  IT’S ALWAYS A RIGGED FUCKING ELECTION!  DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S A RIGGED ELECTION?  YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN REALISE, DO YOU?

-         I expect you’re going to tell me.

-         We all vote, but you’re the one who decides on what we vote on.  Like, “What sort of music shall we have?”  What if we don’t want music at all?

-         You could’ve abstained.  Then there’s more quality tunes for the rest of us, instead of that ghastly heavy metal.   

-         You’re missing the point!  You’re taking charge of everyone, all the time!  Everything, EVERYTHING is dictated by what mood you happen to be in at the time.  Christ’s sake – a cookery book from nineteen eighteen?  What the fuck?

It may be difficult to convince the meat lover that he can radically reduce the proportion of meat in his diet without detriment to health. Many persons adhere to the notion that you are not nourished unless you eat meat; that meat foods are absolutely necessary to maintain the body strength. This idea is entirely without foundation, for the foods mentioned as meat substitutes earlier in this chapter can be made to feed the world, and feed it well--in fact, no nation uses so large a proportion of meat as America.

Razor swooped in and saved the day when Craig and Gogo started having a fight.  In a way, I was disappointed.  I wanted to see who'd win.  What I'd really like to have seen is Craig beating the whatsit out of Gogo in his sexy black dress.  It would've made a great video. 

Do people make funeral videos?  There’s a business opportunity.  Someone should’ve filmed today, that’s for sure.  It may not be the greatest thingy of my life, but it’s up there with losing my virginity, and that time I went hang-gliding.  I loved it.  I love life, I love Razor, and I love living in this house. 

If only I hadn’t drank so much. 

The room’s spinning. 

I wonder where Razor is. 

Night night. 

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